Humble

what does it mean to be humble. I try to search dictionary and find out that humble means "marked by meekness or modesty" in terms of character trait but it can also mean "low or inferior in station or quality". I always have this perception that humble people is always weak, they're not ambitious to achieve success and if the whole society is dominated by all humble people, the society will be very 'fake' as nobody want to show off what they're capable of.

I admit that i am an arrogant person, inside but not outside from my look. I believe this type of person will succeed in life. Of course you are humble to learn from people better than you, but if you are too humble, nobody can see or notice how good you are if you're not showing off.

I kinda confuse with what my coach said. Maybe all my life is just trying to prove something to someone because I just doesnt wanna get neglected. I wanna get attention, I am an attention seeker. I wanna somebody notice my talent, I wanna show to people what I am capable of. And I believe this is the principal that keep me alive until now. I have no idea how to lead other way of life. I may get successful in the future by stepping people on their head and climb all the way to the top stair but is this the life that I want to be??? I have no idea...

does 谦虚 = 虚伪 ？or humble people just wanna keep exploring in learning from something new, instead like me thought I know everything well enough to survive my studies, concluding the whole concept of christianity. How dare am I to conclude this religious matter compared to people who spent their 20 years of research but still not sure to come out a conclusion. How I cannot be humble and try to find out more about this topic? What stop me? Arrogant? Probably it is :(

CHRISTIANITY

I trust myself more than the god. As I think I am the one who hold my own destiny. I can’t hypnotize myself that there is god in this world as I am the man of science. I believe science is the key to explore the nature of world and it is only a matter of time that it gives us evidences and definite facts on how the world came about and why human beings create/need religious thinking. I trusted Darwinism in some parts as I think it is the most satisfying way to explain the evolution of life but it did confuse me that why Darwin cannot be sure about his own work and even said ‘don’t know’ about existence of god before he died. Some people did say god allowed evolution to happen in the first place but I think it contradicted to what the bible wrote. Therefore, my own conclusion based on what I know now is simply that the bible is just the ‘referencing guide’; we need to have some appreciation and understanding as not to follow blindly. I would say maybe bible is not a core of Christianity, maybe it’s just a fairytale, pure, simple book that god passed it to us. There is one part in ‘genesis’, which totally put me in confusing state. God created heaven, earth, mankind and every single life in six days. If you ask me whether dinosaur and human, possibly Adam and Eve are co-exist in some time, I would say it only happened in ‘Flintstone’ cartoon. We are adult and we have the intellectual to choose what to follow based on our own judgment. There are things in bible, which I think it’s not that true in some sense, e.g. the earth is only 6000 years old.

Sorry, I’m just not a person who believes in faith…

Anxious @ PGP

Lol, i have tried a new thing today, go to IKEA to shop for an hour to purchase something for my CCA club. Well~~~ saw a mediacorp star and quite dissatisfied with the whole layout of IKEA, although i consider some of the panels they displayed are really meant for their customer, e.g. a measurement tape, a pencil, note, reusable bag. They even set up an information counter at each department to help people, who are lost like me:( After paying out, there is even a wrapping counter, to wrap up thing without using the plastic bag. I have to admit the idea/design of the whole layout of IKEA is exceptional, as it try to create a one-time shopping experience to the people, and i heard the review of their restaurant is quite good as well.

Projects, tutorials, assignments are piling up now. This Saturday is a D-day, and I will get alot more time after the event.

Frustration @ PGP

Have endured somewhat a frustrating and irritating day. What a unplesant feeling to start off my week. Firstly, met a super rude uncle and i just felt how come there is still such an uneducated person in Singapore. Haizzz, doesnt wanna mention in detail, the more i think about the face of that person, the more i feel frustrated. However, during that particular moment, i suddenly think of god and console myself god will forgive this man, he is just ignorance. Have been keep on listening to 2 jesus songs to make myself calmer. Arrived at school pretty early, and try to surf net to keep on dig in the information about christianity. The more i find, the more i try to stand in the neutral side to view this matter. Hundred of years people are fighting over the issue of religious particularly. If my god exists, then your belief will be nothing. If i am right, then you are wrong, so it is very hard to draw a line between each 'god'. I will not give up in searching more information, and i found out createnism is really an interesting topic, maybe i will try to read the first chapter of the bible, provided i have time:)

"If god said the way you did is wrong, then who judge the god whether he is right or wrong?"

Have done something which i am quite proud of myself today. Manage to keep myself away from spending. I just bought a fan today, although i felt a little but guilty. I learn that I have to control my mind to keep me away from addiction, be it clothes, entertainment or even smoking. Really impress about my friend, who managed to endure the peer pressure, maybe god really lead his path and guide him along the way:) I have to admit peer pressure is something that i was quite hard to resist. Maybe my mental strength is still not strong enough, but this sem i gonna find out how far i can go...

感恩 @ Bro's House

Talked to my mum about joining Christian. Well~~~ thing didnt went well of coz but at least today i tried something that i have never done before. How to turn a superstitious woman into believing in god, gosh i just have to pray but is god really exist? lol i cant even answer this question. I have been flipped through a lot of books to convince myself god do exist, but my innerself still struggle to believe that god made human. Why because Adam and Eve eat the apple, human being is born to carry the sin.Why we human need to bear the mistake that is made by them? During the dying moment in earthquake, e.g. the Haitians pray for their god to save them, why the prayer is not answered? Bible said ever since the universe is born, there will be end of the world, why it wanna create such fear to people? However, i do believe that Darwin is not entirely true in his theory as well. It is just argument, no experiment. For me to accept that human is actually evolve from ape is abit hard to accept the truth. We have feeling, of coz animal do have feeling as well but human being knows what is SHAME. Animal does not know what is shame because it can pee anywhere it wants. If darwin's theory is right, then society will evolve along time as well. By that time, the dispersion between each class will get wider, people who is relatively stronger will dominate and eliminate the weaker one. Allright, i know this is just bullshit~~~ but if darwinism is true, you cant deny that it wont happen in the future.

Went to church today, second time saw my friend is actually singing. Wow, i was touched, although just managed to see his mouth murmuring, without listening to his melody:) While i'm singing, i like the atmosphere, a really warm welcome to make myself at ease. I feel the need for change long long time ago, because i see the better people around. After listening to pastor Darren, i'm not sure whether every Sunday i come to church is to sing, to enjoy the moment of zero stress, or am i really go there to praise the lord? I have no idea, really. Do i really need god to change my life, where are you? somebody please save me...

Enemy VS Competitor @ My Room

1. Do something that I’ve never done before. Write down the experience.
2. What did I learn today?
3. What did I do today that made myself proud?
4. Why did I choose to do that?
5. How has it changed my life?

Reflection: You are my adversity, not my enemy. Try to think about this sentence again and again, I looked at myself and I have to admit that I always treat people around me as an enemy, not the competitor. I should have treated people as reference, a benchmark to see where I stand. I don’t know what am I thinking, evil thought always in my mind that reality is cruel. If you weak, then you will be out of the race. Stronger animal survives in this society as time goes by. There is no room for the weaker one. There are my enemies and I have to beat them to survive. Why am I so pathetic to think it in this way? Instead of trying to find a way to beat them, I neglect of noticing how much I have improved. The Nike Olympic ad is really impactful, “if without them, I am a lesser man”. I need to find my motivation and confidence again. I vividly remember the feeling or eagerness to study during my polytechnic time has gone. The hunger to knowledge is disappeared in university and in turn replaced by a feeling of boredom and scared; scared to close my back door so I can keep on running away, no responsibility attached and burden. Make each everyday counts, but I am counting down every single day with repetition, same routine that make me feel sick of my life.

Today I am staying at home for the whole day. Promised my friends yesterday to meet up with them but I was not show up in the end. At night, when I was sitting beside my mum, looked at her face while she was sleeping at the sofa made me feel that I should spend more time with my mum. I can see she is getting older, and most of her time is devoted to her beloved son, who is complaining everything and even scolding her sometimes. Achieving a balancing is not that hard, fighting my work in weekday and I should have time to spend on weekend, either with her or my friends. This is something I want to do, and I hope I can do it, even though this semester will be a lot busier. Lots of people still cannot find the meaning in life, and I am one of them. For those who find it, they just follow the path, no matter how difficult it is because they are indulged in the challenge, be it the outcome is failure or success, at least they have tried and know how far they can go. What do I want in my life? I never give a serious thought at the moment, and I think it is time to think about it as I constantly searching for a change in my life…

I am able to control my addictness to smoke one stick today. Well~ not really proud of the achievement but I managed to control of not smoking in my room. I was really wanted to smoke while I was writing the journal in my room, but I think I am able to control it right now. I promised myself I will cut down slowly, but not completely. I think I will become a social smoker instead, as I think this is the perfect ice-breaking tool in working life, maybe I am finding the excuse for myself:)

Looking Forward @ NEW PGP room

Hi everyone, long time didnt update my blog. I dont know where to start actually. Just feel like talk about my buddy. Seriously, i am damn sad before coming back to singapore, fooling around with my friends are really enjoying. Dont need to think, worry about my life are just great feeling, but reality check comes really soon, and i have to face my new life now. Well~~ i would say one of the greatest challenges of 2010, NO MORE air-con room. I was kinda pissed-off and sad when i know that i will moving into type C room (abit like labour room), but i think this is the good opportunity for me to grow, move out from my comfort zone, and try to live and mingle around with people. i still havent think of how to spend my unused money, probably travelling will be nice. Went to church this morning with my buddy, he seems abit confused with the direction of his belief now. I might let the god come into my heart but i believe i am not fit to become a real and sincere christian. Maybe it takes time, maybe i need miracle to prove the existance of god. What is god? Creator of life? What is life? I dont even experience it right now. I still remembered the first time i stepped into the church, alot of academic stuff just flowing into my mind. Darwin evolution, scientific proof...It is an interesting topic but i feel it is too large. Why the bible say all human is sin? A look or even a thought on 'something' is already consider a sin? I just feel bible is creating fear to people, something like if you dont do this, do that, u will end up in hell. I think i still need time to think about it before i give myself to god.