EGO @ PGP

Today, i got a reality check from my coach, Chang Liang. He is indeed the most respecful person that i think i met so far in NUS. He taught me everything, showed a way of how to view things in different perspectives. I felt i am been blessed by god (eventhough i dont believe it all the time), that let me meet a guy who is going to change my life.

All right, today coaching was rather simple and he kept short and targeted my struggle. I was bothering by my neighnour over the week, i felt so helpless that i cant do anything to make him quiet. Indeed, i tried my best, like calling the RA, talked to him personally, etc. Well~~~to my surprise, CL gave me another views on this issue, which i initially was struggled to admit and face it. I ALWAYS think i am the considerate person, i always care about others, i will try my best not to disturb people around my side, but in the end, i found it that it was all about me, whether looking good in front of the people or not. Hmm, i have to admit it because it is 'part' of the thinking of mine. I can endure the buses passed by, i can endure the noise in study room/lib but i just cannot endure the noise created by my neighbour. Actually, it was not really a noise and he didnt really talk or laugh so loud. I let the noise come in my thought, i felt so sick about myself. i felt so weak and cant do anything to fix it. I can possibly tell him everyday to keep quiet.

Thanks god, i go through the coaching today. I burst out of tears, i felt so stressful, ironically not by studies, it's by my neighbour. I constantly worry about whether he will make noise later, what if there is noise, what should i do. How come he cannot be considerate about others? And CL told me it's all down with my ego, that i cannot look weak or rather i hate the feeling of being weak. The moment he told me just to accept the 'weak' feeling, i just broke down to tears. That is me, real me and i am so weak at that particular moment. I felt nothing but just suddenly the tears were coming from nowhere. Maybe i was living miserable over the week. Constant worriness is gonna kill me one day.

The reason i knocked his door and asked him to shut up is because i want my fairness back and i want to find a way not to feel weak. So i always want to find solution to cover it or rather SUPPRESS the feeling. Now, i think it this way, even i ask him to keep quiet everyday, one day the noise will still disturb me and i get upset, the feeling of being helpless will definitely haunt me again, UNLESS i totally accept the feeling of being weak, or else i cannot move on. Sp, CL is asking me to feel my own body's feeling (neck down), and slowly one day it will go away. The more i suppress it, the worry i am, the miserable life i have, and the less energy i have coz i spend too much effort in other people's matter, rather than concentrate my own.

I have to say i grow, maybe not much improvement have been made but i have been more awared of my own struggle. I will not blame my mum of making me who i am right now because she doesnt know any better ways to educate her son. I have been telling myseld to be strong and make it a context within my life since i was 11 years old or maybe even younger. It is not about others, it's always about me. Don't take the quiet hour as my weapon because in the end, it's still my own struggle and i have tried everything that i can to persuade him and if he still does it again, i MUST feel the feeling of being weak, accept it and eventually it will go away :) i believe in my coach.

Responsibility @ PJ's House

Yesterday was rather a tiring coaching session. Went through a lot of areas of my inner self and examine it with different perspectives. First, we talked about SEP. I always dream of going to europe, and i really like to apply for this programme. However, i have a lot of considerations in my mind that hold me back, money, family, weather, etc. My coach asked me one thing, which is the most important element that hold myself to go for exchange. Well, to me i regard family as my utmost struggle. I afraid i will miss my home, i scare to be alone...I have bad experience during the overseas attachment back to China. But again, this is struggle, it's supposed to mean to enjoy it rather than avoid it. If i dont act now, things will not happen in the way that i dream of, cycling around the campus, traveling around the central europe, etc. Therefore, i send my application yesterday night, and try to move myself forward to get thing that i really want. Nobody is maing decision for me in this time, i make my own decision. I just sent the application, after i get the placement, then it's time for me to think about the considerations that i worry then i decide whether wanna accpet it or reject it.

Later, we talked about the definition of responsibility. I always think that i am a responsible person, in terms of personality. However, it seems like i was wrong and i was so confused at first that what is the word of responsibility mean. Well~~~ 'ability to respond' is exactly the meaning if i split the word. After the session, i came out with a conclusion that i am responsible but i'm avoiding responsibility because once i take the responsible, i will take control everything and wont let a single detail out of my sight. And because of that, maybe i felt tired and would like to avoid it all the time. For example, i dont care about my family problem, even there is big fight within my parent, i am not the one to solve the problem and rather let my brother to take the lead. I'm avoiding the responsibility, to me this word is too 'huge' and it's too heavy. I'm not even responsible for my studies, never give out my 100% over everything, never feel the feeling of trying my best. I''m giving out my CONTROL. If i fail, i will blame the other lazy me, or rather take the full responsibility of this failure because i never give out my best. If i succced, of coz it's lucky but how long will it last?

If i am responsibility, i have the ability to respond and take control of things that i'm in charge. If something goes wrong, i can fix it before it goes haywire. I'm trying to think of the reason why i become like this, and it could be due to my mum since she is taking care almost everything in my life and i dont have to worry about it. I couldnt blame her since she doted me alot. Again, this is something that her mum didnt teach her, which is letting your child to CHOOSE, or rather decide everything for them. It's really a great lesson as i really re-learn the definition of responsibility, simply 'ability to respond' :)

Lastly, before i forget, we talked about past, present and future. It seems like my coach didnt really think his future as he told me future is actually the present. Look around me, this is what i got, something that i can see, i can touch and i can feel. I can decide what's the next moment that I'll behave as I decide and control my future now. If the next moment i let myself to feel happy, then i will happy. The future that picture in my mind is all down to the work that i do now as i'm working to achieve my future. Reality is cruel, but i have to accept it as this is all i got. I try to run away from it all the time, because the current state is not what i want but there is nothing i can do to change the current self, only i can work now to achieve something that i want in the future. It's time to get out from my unrealistic dream, all the thoughts that i have now is ridiculous and only I know.

All Masters Start With Disaster @ PGP

I would like to sum up of what i have learnt and gained from today's coaching session. It goes really deeper inside my inner self and dig all the problems and struggles that I have encountered in my life. I found it really useful and I think I should give a serious thought about how am I going to live for the rest of my life. Today, we talked about a specific struggle, which I have faced it for the past few years. I am the person who really cant tolerate noise. I am very sensitive to noise and it will easily keep me distracted away from my focus. I tend to listen to their conversation and get into it. We discussed and I found out that it was still due to my arrogant personality. Just that I think my ego is under threat, I do not want to feel weak, being bully or being a lose side, that's why I felt very uncomfortable when something out of my control. I always think that we should fight for our rights and confront with people who are wrong, it makes me feel better because I like the winning feel when I confront with someone that I think I am right in some way and he/she agree with me. However, most of the time, I tend to resist this struggle because I do not want to look bad in front of the people, so I try to tolerate most of the time, until it reaches a point where I cannot endure anymore. The feeling of keeping everything inside me is unbearable. I felt very down, sad and even de-moralising. Then, I just felt very upset and cant concentrate on studies anymore. However, I was told by my coach that it' because I still do not know how to handle my feeling well. If i am mastering of handling my feeling, I can be sad/down, in the same time produce a quality work. That's sound pretty tough job to me, and indeed it requires lots of practise and I firmly believe it. If I can master my feeling, then I will move to another stage in my life, which is unknown now and more importantly, I will lead my life in a happier way. Therefore, now I try to feel happy whenever I feel sad. I know it sounds ridiculous but it seems it is the only way now to help me to handle my feeling. Enjoying your struggle, accepting it instead of resisiting it and it will come to a point where I can grow out of this struggle. The coach gave me a good example:) I am just a baby of learning how to tie my shoelace. It will be a process to make me become the master as it required lots of practise to achieve it. I CAN GROW OUT of this struggle as long as I'm enjoying it. Besides this, he pinched my hand, at first I actually feel abit fired up, but the second time, he asked me to enjoy of being pinched by him, it turned out to be less angry than before. It's strange on how feeling can change in an instant. Moreover, he furthers gave me examples, if you're able to handle your feeling, you will be more clear-headed and you will not act reckless things in impulse. It suddenly reminds me on the accident that I encoutered with my mum when I was in sec 5. I thought it's the person's fault of knocking my mum's car. I did not think for a second and straighaway confronted and even insulted him. When I realised it is actually my mum's fault, felt really guilty and I know I did the wrong thing and it's all due to impulsive reaction. If I can handle my feeling well, the words that come out from my mouth could be different.

When someone talk loudly in lecture, enjoy of being irritated.
When my neighbour makes noise in room, enjoy of being frustrated.
When I am feeling upset or down, enjoy of being at that state.
When I am feeling weak, enjoy of that feeling because I must know that I am not weak all the time.

All these are just your feeling and it makes you 'human'. I can be master to handle it. It is just up to me of how I look at thing in what perspectives. Life is short, if I am keep frustrating, upset, down and de-moralise and it would be pathatic and my life just is just totally screw up.

I AM MYSELF and I handle my feeling !!!

In what areas that I behave arrogant??? @ PGP

I think it would be especially true when it applies to studies. I always think that I will know and understand everything in the end but in fact i kinda lost when it comes to the end:) Maybe i am too arrogant that i'm sure will find my resource to solve my problem. I always knew what is my target, and the amount of effort that i spend will be just enough to achieve my goal. I always underestimate the lecture, lab, and especially tutorial. What i do is just listening to the tutor, copy down the answer, and go back to figure out by myself or asking around. Maybe I was highflying in poly, and indirectly cause the situation to become this way.

Arrogant and confidence is just a thin line within. A person can be confidence but humble. I maybe too arrogant in my studies. Is it really my fault? i dont know. I always thought that i am smart, hmm street-smart, not easily letting people to take advantage on me. However, what is the meaning of arrogant anyway??? i try to google it and it states that

1) Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2) Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others

Hmm, it fits my personality. I always think that i am important. I even used to think that one day the earth might stop because of me. Always placing myself among others, always think that i can achieve big career one day, always think that my self-worth is priceless, always think highly abt myself. Besides this, sometimes i do feel some superiority toward others coz i used to think that i graduated from a low standard primary and secondary education system and i managed to climb all the way to one of the most 'respective' university, and i think it is something that i very proud of. Moreover, the good result that i obtained in poly further instills my arrogancy and i tend to look down on people inside my heart sometimes. And seriously, i do felt guilty and shame about myself too when i did that. Then, my mind will tell me able to speak english and study in a good uni doesn't necessary guarantee you a fortune in future. It is just a key, a key to unlock the potential for the future. There are still alot of peopl out there, who cant speak english, drop out from uni but they are still able to make it in their own way. Therefore, my consciousness will tell my arrogancy that it is wrong to discriminate or look down on people that you 'think' you are superior than them. So thats why it's a battle again between my mind and heart.

Now, i do know that i am arrogant but i will try to keep myself low...

Blessful @ Bro's House

Came back from Sg, felt like a zombie, slept only 3 hours+. When i go back to my home, felt like it was not my home anymore, and it further convince me that i should stay in PGP for my vacation stay. I really cannot adapt well in the new environment. I dont like change because change will mess up my life. However, i was so happy to go to my bro's house, i felt at ease, a least it is home. Even with the absent of my dad, i felt the family is united (my bro, bro in law, and my mum) but thing will certainly change by the next time i come back coz i have to move over to my new home, which i really dislike it. As a child, we do not have choice and we can only follow our parent's will. Whatever they say, we have to say coz we still cannot live independently. We still have to depend on them. Haizzz, there are things that we cannot change, it's a variable :( Btw, i was really happy today, managed to play my long waiting FIFA10 and slacked at my bro's house and do nothing. Lay-back life is really my favourite, but when i think of tomorrow, my excitement straighaway goes to deep down...eventhough next week is e-learning, but the amount of studies that we need to do is double than the normal term.

Whenever you feel sad and down, rmb yr family because they are the only one who really care at you and support you. Whenever you wanan run away from reality, family is always a paradise to have a good vacation. I luv my family
I MUST look forward
midterm is over and final is coming...

Disappointment @ PGP

Haizzz, the conclusion for this week is really like a rollercoaster ride. It made me feel like a human being, with heart to feel. I tend to listen to my heart alot this week, kinda ignoring my thought, which prevent me to do lots of things that i wanna do. I think it will be kinda embrassing to meet her today, try to avoid to see her in the hallway. I even reach the exam hall earlier, just try not to create any embrassment for both of us. There are 200+ students in the modules, and the chances that someone u like sit besides u is less than 5%. Well~~~ god really likes to play joke. Wherever u try to avoid that person, fate will happen in the most natural way. When i step into the hall, i pray so hard not sitting besides her so i can concentrate more on my exam. Haizzz, strange thing really happen in life, we are sitting side by side. However, she did give me a warm smile to clear the embrassment. Throughout the whole period, my mind is keeping switching away from the paper, so i just slap my face and force myself to concentrate on the paper. After the exam, i was quite suprised of my courage, i straightaway go and ask her whether she is free on Tuesday night, maybe we can have a dinner. Well~~~i can straightaway tell from her face expression without knowing the answer. I lose out, completely hopeless. Her answer is i dont know. When a gal is interested in you, no matter what time and where's the place, she will die die go one. Felt so sianz afterward as i realised things had changed, now she knew and the ball is on her court. I cant do anything and maybe i try my best, at least this time i took initiatives. I will still try next week, with my full sincerity and ask her out for dinner, just one time and i will pass her something to show my true heart. No more unrealistic dream and i have to say the reality is cruel sometime. When someone take away your hope, it can kill u in an instant. This year, the moon cake festival will be an unforgetable one, at least today, i felt the pain (almost cry out on way back from vivo in the bus when listening to li hoon's ai cuo) and my heart is broken...

I will look forward next week and i will be fine...

* Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery and today is the gift
* Girl makes you high higher and gives you low more frequent

Worry & Down @ PGP

Well didnt update for the past 2 days, should update more often. Have been encountered alot of setback today, partly prob midterm. Expected it will be hard to do so not really disappointing with the outcome. Probably can get 10/30. Hmm the really disappointing thing is i got rejected of asking the gal out, i am so stupid that i forgot tml is the latern festival, who will go out for dinner with a stranger??? Haizzz, probably i will ask her out again, definitely got chance:) However, i suddenly felt my shoulder is ligher, things that always appear in my mind had finally vented out. Maybe i should have done that long time ago, i dont know why but felt that me is full with confidence now, coz she probably know that i l**e her so although it might get embrasses when meet her, but thing is already happen and she already know so why should i afraid of now>_< Besides this, learn another thing from myself through coaching. I think i will write another post regarding who am i, felt kinda sleepy now. HUH, at least me now is already facing the truth and the cruel reality.