EGO @ PGP

Today, i got a reality check from my coach, Chang Liang. He is indeed the most respecful person that i think i met so far in NUS. He taught me everything, showed a way of how to view things in different perspectives. I felt i am been blessed by god (eventhough i dont believe it all the time), that let me meet a guy who is going to change my life.

All right, today coaching was rather simple and he kept short and targeted my struggle. I was bothering by my neighnour over the week, i felt so helpless that i cant do anything to make him quiet. Indeed, i tried my best, like calling the RA, talked to him personally, etc. Well~~~to my surprise, CL gave me another views on this issue, which i initially was struggled to admit and face it. I ALWAYS think i am the considerate person, i always care about others, i will try my best not to disturb people around my side, but in the end, i found it that it was all about me, whether looking good in front of the people or not. Hmm, i have to admit it because it is 'part' of the thinking of mine. I can endure the buses passed by, i can endure the noise in study room/lib but i just cannot endure the noise created by my neighbour. Actually, it was not really a noise and he didnt really talk or laugh so loud. I let the noise come in my thought, i felt so sick about myself. i felt so weak and cant do anything to fix it. I can possibly tell him everyday to keep quiet.

Thanks god, i go through the coaching today. I burst out of tears, i felt so stressful, ironically not by studies, it's by my neighbour. I constantly worry about whether he will make noise later, what if there is noise, what should i do. How come he cannot be considerate about others? And CL told me it's all down with my ego, that i cannot look weak or rather i hate the feeling of being weak. The moment he told me just to accept the 'weak' feeling, i just broke down to tears. That is me, real me and i am so weak at that particular moment. I felt nothing but just suddenly the tears were coming from nowhere. Maybe i was living miserable over the week. Constant worriness is gonna kill me one day.

The reason i knocked his door and asked him to shut up is because i want my fairness back and i want to find a way not to feel weak. So i always want to find solution to cover it or rather SUPPRESS the feeling. Now, i think it this way, even i ask him to keep quiet everyday, one day the noise will still disturb me and i get upset, the feeling of being helpless will definitely haunt me again, UNLESS i totally accept the feeling of being weak, or else i cannot move on. Sp, CL is asking me to feel my own body's feeling (neck down), and slowly one day it will go away. The more i suppress it, the worry i am, the miserable life i have, and the less energy i have coz i spend too much effort in other people's matter, rather than concentrate my own.

I have to say i grow, maybe not much improvement have been made but i have been more awared of my own struggle. I will not blame my mum of making me who i am right now because she doesnt know any better ways to educate her son. I have been telling myseld to be strong and make it a context within my life since i was 11 years old or maybe even younger. It is not about others, it's always about me. Don't take the quiet hour as my weapon because in the end, it's still my own struggle and i have tried everything that i can to persuade him and if he still does it again, i MUST feel the feeling of being weak, accept it and eventually it will go away :) i believe in my coach.