Responsibility @ PJ's House

Yesterday was rather a tiring coaching session. Went through a lot of areas of my inner self and examine it with different perspectives. First, we talked about SEP. I always dream of going to europe, and i really like to apply for this programme. However, i have a lot of considerations in my mind that hold me back, money, family, weather, etc. My coach asked me one thing, which is the most important element that hold myself to go for exchange. Well, to me i regard family as my utmost struggle. I afraid i will miss my home, i scare to be alone...I have bad experience during the overseas attachment back to China. But again, this is struggle, it's supposed to mean to enjoy it rather than avoid it. If i dont act now, things will not happen in the way that i dream of, cycling around the campus, traveling around the central europe, etc. Therefore, i send my application yesterday night, and try to move myself forward to get thing that i really want. Nobody is maing decision for me in this time, i make my own decision. I just sent the application, after i get the placement, then it's time for me to think about the considerations that i worry then i decide whether wanna accpet it or reject it.

Later, we talked about the definition of responsibility. I always think that i am a responsible person, in terms of personality. However, it seems like i was wrong and i was so confused at first that what is the word of responsibility mean. Well~~~ 'ability to respond' is exactly the meaning if i split the word. After the session, i came out with a conclusion that i am responsible but i'm avoiding responsibility because once i take the responsible, i will take control everything and wont let a single detail out of my sight. And because of that, maybe i felt tired and would like to avoid it all the time. For example, i dont care about my family problem, even there is big fight within my parent, i am not the one to solve the problem and rather let my brother to take the lead. I'm avoiding the responsibility, to me this word is too 'huge' and it's too heavy. I'm not even responsible for my studies, never give out my 100% over everything, never feel the feeling of trying my best. I''m giving out my CONTROL. If i fail, i will blame the other lazy me, or rather take the full responsibility of this failure because i never give out my best. If i succced, of coz it's lucky but how long will it last?

If i am responsibility, i have the ability to respond and take control of things that i'm in charge. If something goes wrong, i can fix it before it goes haywire. I'm trying to think of the reason why i become like this, and it could be due to my mum since she is taking care almost everything in my life and i dont have to worry about it. I couldnt blame her since she doted me alot. Again, this is something that her mum didnt teach her, which is letting your child to CHOOSE, or rather decide everything for them. It's really a great lesson as i really re-learn the definition of responsibility, simply 'ability to respond' :)

Lastly, before i forget, we talked about past, present and future. It seems like my coach didnt really think his future as he told me future is actually the present. Look around me, this is what i got, something that i can see, i can touch and i can feel. I can decide what's the next moment that I'll behave as I decide and control my future now. If the next moment i let myself to feel happy, then i will happy. The future that picture in my mind is all down to the work that i do now as i'm working to achieve my future. Reality is cruel, but i have to accept it as this is all i got. I try to run away from it all the time, because the current state is not what i want but there is nothing i can do to change the current self, only i can work now to achieve something that i want in the future. It's time to get out from my unrealistic dream, all the thoughts that i have now is ridiculous and only I know.